Saturday, April 27, 2013

Delayed gratification, the simplest but the hardest one to successful living.

I owe it all to her while my mother wasn't a stay at home mom, she was certainly the rock that held our family together and kept me on the straight and narrow. She convinced me to save my money earned at my high-school job, and to do my homework and study so that I could get into the college of my choice. It all worked out. Thanks Mom!
Today, this is the most important role in improving the world today.
"A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary." -Dorothy Canfield Fisher.  At a party last week, I bumped into a distracted woman wearing a frown.
"Hey, don't hog all the fun," I said with a wink.

She shook her head and gave me a slightly embarrassed smile.
"It's just that when I come to social events like these, I cringe when people ask what I do and I have to admit I'm a stay-at-home mom."
"What's wrong with that?" I said. "You don't like having the most important job in the world?"
She said some people - especially working women - look down on her. She felt marginalized.
I was tempted to remind her of Eleanor Roosevelt's line that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
But I took a different tack and told her about a story I'd just read in the Philadelphia Inquirer. A budget crunch at the Philadelphia School District caused the district to lay off 91 school police officers. You might reasonably wonder why a school police force is necessary in the first place. But in the 2010 school year, 690 teachers were assaulted. In the last five years, more than 4,000 were. The newspaper reported that in Philadelphia's 268 schools, "on an average day 25 students, teachers, or other staff members are beaten, robbed, sexually assaulted, or victims of other violent crimes." And that doesn't include thousands more who are extorted, threatened, or bullied each year.
Why is this happening? The short answer is poor parenting. (Some might call it no parenting at all.)
 There are few threats to our future greater than family disintegration. Forty-one percent of all children today are born to unmarried women - and the number rises to more than 50% for women under 30. Single-parent households in the inner city often lead to disorderly neighborhoods, schools that cannot teach, trans-generational poverty and mass incarceration.
There are nearly 2.3 million people in American prisons and jails today. Another 5 million are on probation or parole.
Knowing this, how could anyone really look down on someone dedicating a significant portion of his or her adult life to parenting? After all, the family is the building block of all great societies. Yet a parent's job has never been tougher.

  • Modern culture doesn't elevate kids. It doesn't celebrate education, virtue, hard work, or risk-taking.
  • It distracts and consumes them with celebrity and materialism. 
  • Popular music and television shows cater to the lowest common denominator. 
  • Mindless consumption is idealized and encouraged by the most sophisticated marketing techniques ever devised. 
 In my house, we fight a constant battle with our 14-year-old daughter who pleads to go with her friends to PG-13 movies where glamorous young stars play characters who are drunk, high and hopping from bed to bed with nary a consequence. (When I was young and childless, this seemed like a trivial issue. Funny how having kids can change your perspective.)
These developments put the burden squarely on mom and dad. Sixty years ago, parents raised their kids to adopt the values of the culture. Today a big priority is getting them to reject the values of the culture. How do you do it? Mostly the old-fashioned way, by instilling values and setting an example.
It takes more than just teaching kids to behave, however. They also have to dream. And it's up to parents to show them how to achieve those dreams. That usually requires something very specific...
In 1972, Stanford psychologist Walter Mischel concocted an ingenious experiment involving young children and a bag of marshmallows. He put a marshmallow on the table and told each child that if he (or she) could wait 15 minutes to eat it, they would get a second one as a reward.

Two-thirds of the kids flunked miserably. Some caved in at once; videotapes show others struggling to discipline themselves - some even banging their little heads on the table. But the surprising results of the study came years later.
Researchers followed up on the children to see how their lives progressed. Turns out the kids who exercised forbearance rather than eating the marshmallows at once had SAT scores 210 points higher. They were also more likely to finish college, enjoyed significantly higher incomes, were far less likely to go to jail and suffered fewer drug and alcohol problems.
What does this mean? It means we should love our kids. We should teach them to treat others the way they would want to be treated. But if we really want them to succeed in life, we should also teach them the enormous benefits of delayed gratification.
Education takes time and persistence.
Professional attainments require concentrated effort.
Saving and investing - instead of spending - takes discipline.
Successful parenting means sacrifice and commitment.
Kids need to expect to struggle and to put off rewards. Because, with few exceptions, success means giving up a lot of things you'd like to do for things you really ought to do. Today we live in a society of haves and have-nots. But to a great extent, that's because we live in a society of wills and will-nots. This is a message every child should hear - and every parent should embrace. Perhaps even at a cocktail party.
- Source Alex Green.

23 comments:

rajiv malik said...

dear ilango ji,

this article on parenting is very relevant in todays times. yes we must give more importance to parenting and those parents who work hard on imparting values and value education to their children.

great words-

Knowing this, how could anyone really look down on someone dedicating a significant portion of his or her adult life to parenting? After all, the family is the building block of all great societies. Yet a parent's job has never been tougher.

the magazine for which i work, hinduism today, did a wonderful article on parenting and following is the weblink-


http://www.hinduismtoday.com/modules/smartsection/item.php?itemid=44

Parenting with Love

An Introduction to “Positive Discipline,” with 14 Proven Strategies for Raising Children without Blame, Shame or Pain

rajiv malik said...

gold gold gold

i pretty seriously tried to explore if one could do trading in extremely small quantities of gold to begin with just 10 gms. i was shocked when the jeweller wanted a profit of 1000 on 30 k , that is to me it would cost 31 k and when i go back to resell would give me 29,500. tanishk jewellers wanted a premium of 2500 on 10 gms gold that is would cost 32500. premium gone when i go back to sell it. [i am taking 30000 as the then prevailing price when i tried]. at that time i was told it would go to 40 k. however my experience with goldman sach gold bees is excellent. recently bought few units @2450 and sold @2500/2550/2600. just in a matter of a fortnight. best way to trade and invest in gold is gold bees.

DNSHUKLA said...

well said Master. We must take care of our kids who are future of the society.

D.S.SASAN said...

Good learning, as usual, in weekly stories for social upliftment. Thanks for your social service.

rajiv malik said...

ex-RBI Governor, is suspicious of the markets
Devinder Sharma
‏@Devinder_Sharma
Dr YV Reddy, ex-RBI Governor, is suspicious of the markets and the private sector, in his book #NewThinking http://bit.ly/182Xkpg

Dr Reddy's central tenets are, first, "Moderation, moderation, in all things moderation". He believes in "non-corner" solutions, with the aim of being approximately right rather than precisely wrong. Second, Dr Reddy argues that policy-makers can never abandon discretion for the comfort of rules. But here again his moderation moves him towards flexible rules or constrained discretion rather than either extreme. Finally, Dr Reddy is suspicious of markets and the private sector, repeatedly casting doubts on the proposition that markets are efficient or their participants rational. Once again, though, his moderation prevents him from advocating anything more extreme than a mixed system. Let me explain these tenets in the context of examples he gives, and suggest where they have served India well, and ask when they may require change.

sarvesh said...

thank you master, for the gift as a mentor to me as a parent of a 21 day old child..thank you very much..i need to learn it more before i show it to my son..

numchar said...

Delayed gratification would be new and interesting paradigm to try with kids .I need to learn and find opportunities to practice that with my kid .
Thanks for sharing a new insight.

Ilango said...

@ numchar,

When I was leaving for a job abroad in the 80's, my uncle, then, told me, " ilango, when you feel like buying a shirt, ask yourself:
Do I need it immediately; Can I buy it next week or next month. Ask similar questions whenever you feel the urge to buy anything or feel like indulging".

Those words remained with me till date and the "delayed gratification" has made life simple but enriching.

marketrider said...

@ ilango sir,

it is true. But if we take these regularly and every next we become hopeless, that is also create frustration or these effect us in real life or we becomes negative. that is more dangerous.
my question is how we take these things positively in our life ?
that create happiness for us .

with thanks

sandeep said...

master great article

The_Unprejudiced_Observer said...

Great Learning !
Do I Buy a stock / Nifty on urge? on News? Or Do I wait for my signals/ JNSAR ?
Do I book out because I am getting profit? Or Does my system indicate to take the profit off the table?
Do I "wait" to book loss in the hope (of "false" delayed gratification)?

sanchjit said...

"Delayed Gratification" - What a great quality, u have spoken about sir. It truly differentiates a person and takes him through life.

numchar said...

Thanks sir !! that's very sweet and simple analogy to practice with.

venkatapathy l said...

Namaste Ilango Sir.

In medical parlance we call it as 'Frustration tolerance'. This does not occur spontaneously. From birth a child is to be trained. The development of this particular quality is almost completed by the age of eight. If the child does not learn by that time then he/she develops into a problem adult.

A beautiful article.

Love and regards,

LV

Ilango said...

This new world seeks "instant gratification" in everything; and when they don't get it, they are lost...

Sara, mudke dekho....

Intezaar ka phal kyon mitha hota hai...?

Anandha said...

@rajiv malik,
Its all depending on when you take trade rather on what you did it? Online trade either in Gold Futures or Gold ETFs or Gold Bees will definitely have volatility which you can en cash if you are disciplined. Ilango sir clearly mentioned an indecent which he remember till now. "Do I need it now?" Many young people should know how to ask this question to themselves.You said you bought Gold from Tanishk where premium went down when you go back to sell it. Did you think whether you really in need of it when you go to buy it? My sister always used to ask me to buy many things, she aslo used to tell me whenever she is interested to buy something/ or she bought anything new. I continuously telling her one thing. If you buy something which you do not really in need now, someday you will be forced to sell what you are really in need off. So its all up you guys when you are planning for something to buy. I like the way Ilango sir parenting many people here. But still they are making few wrong steps loosing their calmness.Initial days, I used to follow one famous market expert and asked him that I have plan of buying a Home after 1 year with investment of 35K per month.He said it is not possible. I observed his calls and then choose to put my money in one stock which he is recommending strong and price also moving up.At the end of the year, I was able to buy my dream house with my investment for which I told him thanks. He returned saying that its not himself who helped me in achieving it.But my parents who parented me to do things in a disciplined manner. So I like to tell u all, keep learning good things from every one whom so ever it is.Be a child to all those who mentor u in right direction.

rajiv malik said...

JustThink: " Take risks in your life...If you win, you can lead...If you loose, you can guide.."

rajiv malik said...

businessline on nifty....

Nifty (5,871.4)

The Nifty moved up to the intra-week high of 5,924 before giving up some gains on Friday. The index has closed just above the key trend deciding level of 5,862. But there isn’t a strong move above this level yet.

That means it is still positioned at a critical juncture from a short-term viewpoint. There can be either a surge to the peak at 6,112 or a decline to 5,477. Investors can hold their long positions with stop loss at 5,745. Halt above this level can take the index higher to 6,028 or 6,199 in the sessions ahead.

Supports below 5,750 are at 5,700 and 5,650. Fresh long positions should be avoided below 5,650 since that will imply the possibility of further decline to 5,531 or 5,289 in the weeks ahead.

Sambhrama said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sambhrama said...

dear ilango,

i have few questions on nifty EW...

1st is 5477 a C wave?
2nd dose we have to wait of falling wedge or channel breakout on falling market to bing on reversal?
3rd can you apply wave theory to all kind of charts with all time frames?
4th what are the ratios to look when an impulse wave after c is crossed over wave 5?
5th I observed market is peaking out every 8 years like 1992.. 2000.... 2008.... the next is 2016?
6th Is it right that the impulse wave after the 2008 crash is yet to begin?

Please clarify....

Thanks

Sambhrama said...

dear JN...

Is it a bearish harami formation on nifty day chart?

Sujatha said...

Those words remained with me till date and the "delayed gratification" has made life simple but enriching.

Sir - ofcourse for my dentist :) delayed by 1 1/2 years to remove my wisdom teeth it infected other two also..totally removed 3 now my dentist is :D :D

"delayed gratification" effect lolz just for fun sir.

Bye one and all

PS : Totally my mistake..i din't go to dr. as i am very scaryyyyyyy :P nifty and my inlaws are better :(

Ant said...

yes discipline and patience is very important.
Though progress rate seems slow but success is definite.
Thanks Sir.

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